How to Connect Without Collecting People
Keep the overlap that survives a city change. Names in a notes app are not a community.
[ journal ]
I used to leave a city with a pocket of names I would never write to. That is collecting. Connection is the person you can still ask a real question six months later, after both of you have changed timezones.
The word tribe always sounded like a product to me. A hoodie. A group chat with a motto. I wanted something quieter: overlap that holds. Shared craft, or a shared hour of the day, or a shared willingness to be boring together. Two people who will answer a message without turning it into a hang.
Collecting looks friendly. You say yes to every dinner. You swap handles. You take the photo. The list grows and none of it is load-bearing. When the visa runs or the lease ends, the list does not travel. Quality of overlap does. The engineer who reviewed a awkward README. The writer who told you which library had desks. The person who understood why you left the bar at nine because morning was a client.
I show up twice to the same room before I expect anything. A coworking space. A weekly meetup. The second visit is when you stop being new and start being a person with a name. Offer a small useful thing. A link. A second pair of eyes. Do not offer a lifestyle. Avoid rooms that sell belonging as a subscription.
When I change cities I keep a short list on purpose. Not a CRM. A few people I would actually text. If I cannot remember what we talked about, they were scenery. If I remember, I write once when I land: I am in Tāmaki Makaurau for a stretch, here is a thing I thought of, no need to reply fast. That is enough.
Louisiana taught me that some friendships are loud and still real. Aotearoa taught me that some are spare and still real. I do not need a crowd that knows my name in three timezones. I need a handful of people who would notice if I went quiet for a bad reason, and who will not be offended if I go quiet for a good one.
— JV · Dark Heart Labs.